Pandemic Feels

It's past 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. I don't want to watch a movie and my brain cells are not active to put me in a fantasy land with my crush, so I decided to write.

Bago matapos ang Abril, nag-positive ako sa COVID-19. Nilagnat, sumakit ang katawan, nawalan ng panlasa at amoy, nagka-sore throat at nagkaroon ng ubo. Sa awa ng Diyos at dahil naniwala tayo sa siyensiya, gumaling naman na hindi nadadala sa ospital. Ivermectin was not an option.

Taken last week in Roxas Boulevard

Pero bago pa ako nagkaroon ng COVID-19, ilang buwan o linggo na akong wala sa huwisyo. I was uninspired maybe because of the current situation. Isang taon mahigit na tayong naka-lockdown na iniba-iba lang ang termino. 'Yung minsanang pagpunta sa mall para maaliw eh kalungkutan ang nadarama ko. Konti ang tao. Paano ang mga negosyo? Some of the tenants are not as big as the Ayalas and Sy families. I also feel for the employees - the cashier, merchandiser, and other staff. Ilang empleyado ang nawalan at patuloy na nawawalan ng trabaho dahil sa cost-cutting at pagsasara ng ilang negosyo?

I'm grateful that somehow, I am able to work from home and earn the same amount pre-pandemic. Kaya kahit minsan na lutang ako, I try to work and deliver what is needed. Walang puwang ang personal kong nararamdaman pero hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng kakulangan na hindi naman dulot ng trabaho ko. Sadyang nakakaapekto lang sa akin ang patuloy na puchu-puchung kilos ng gobyerno na tila ba pinabayaan tayo. Ang daming inutang pero walang bakuna. Nakaasa sa donasyon. Patuloy sa pag-replenish ng dolomite sand sa Manila Bay at kabi-kabila ang mga bagong kalsada, pero maraming Pilipino ang walang laman ang sikmura.

I also celebrated my 36th birthday last month. Can't help but to worry about my future old self. I'm preparing for it but I feel like it is not enough. So many questions boggling me like "Paano kung magkasakit ako?", "Magkakaroon ba ako ng sariling bahay?", "Aabot ba ako sa 60s or 70s age?" etc. You see at this point, parang tanggap ko na I'll grow old alone which is just fine. I just want to be stable and unproblematic when I get there.

I just need to say what's inside my mind. I hope if you feel the same, meron kayong outlet to release it, or at least someone that would listen to you. In case wala, feel free to tell me. Let's help each other surpass this pandemic feels.